I have totally lost the plot this week and haven’t really been blogging like I mean it. Actually, I haven’t really been living like I mean it - just doing that whole bleary eyed, fading at the edges, getting through the day thing that we all love and know. I can’t even be arsed to read the papers.

But I have been amused by some of the headlines in the Irish Independent this week:

And for my next trick…
Police are investigating reports that a man bit the head off a kitten at a barbecue in South Wales, in front of a party of horrified children.

Is it wrong to say that I find this very funny? Not the actual act - I love cats but couldn’t eat a whole one and miss having one of my own. But the situation is just so bizarre! I think I must be quite disturbed!

It’s a little bit fishy
A Cambodian student choked to death after a small fish he had just caught jumped out of the basket and into his mouth.

Perhaps it was the Joe Pesci of fish? “You wanna eat me? Do you wanna eat me? Do you think I’m tasty, is that what think? Would you like to cover me with ketchup and fries and eat me? You little punk! That’s it - eat this!”

Take two bottles into the shower?
German police detained a man after he was caught trying to have a shower while naked (well, duh!) in a car wash.

What was he thinking? “Must get the car washed. Oh, that reminds me…!” I wonder if he went for the full service with hot wax spray?

BigBadBabyPigSqueal
And finally this. A former policeman in Norway has been fined for having sex with a pig (and we’re not talking the 10-pint variety here!).

It’s the actions of the farmer that I find amusing in this story. He sees a man in a pig sty fondling the pigs. What’s the first thing he did? He ran and fetched his camera! I mean really - would that be the first thing you’d do? Seriously? Would it be

  1. Persuade the intruder to pull his trousers up and get off your land while waving a shotgun at him or
  2. Go and get your camera.

Then, when the man starts getting jiggy with the piggy, the farmer said “He pulled down his briefs and started doing what I didn’t think was possible!” The little liar - I bet he’d given it plenty of thought. Especially with those extra long, dark, cold Norwegian nights!

“I wanna hear ya squeal like a pig…!”