I have ranted before (here and here) about the lack of Broadband in my local community. Up until now, the only broadband they’re used to in my village is the extremely girthful length of rope that is used in the annual inter-pub, boxing day, tug-o-war challenge across the pond (which I was coerced into taking part volunteered for this year. We won, of course!)

So I discover with some surprise and delight that the trigger level for our exchange, which was recently lowered to 100, has been reached and we are now scheduled for activation. Of course, judging from the activation dates for our region so far, this isn’t going to be until May at the earliest but it’s a start! It makes up for an otherwise dull, uninspiring day at the office.

Bob Monkhouse has died.

Say what you like, but I was always amused by Bob Monkhouse. He may not have been at the cutting edge of alternative comedy but he was always quite amusing when doing standup, very intelligent and a consummate professional. It’s a shame that he will probably be remembered more for his work on quiz shows than for his comedy though.

I remember hearing him on the Radio 4 show “In the psychiatrist’s chair”, being interviewed by Dr Anthony Clare and being surprised at the candid way he talked about his life and at how serious and dedicated he was about his career. A couple of years later, I saw him do one of those Q&A sessions at Oxford University which was hysterical. He was very sharp and very witty and I realised that there was a whole lot more to him than the quiz shows (including a memorable guest appearance in “Jonathan Creek”) that I remember from my childhood.

Rest in Peace.

I’ve been avoiding posting about christmas again because, well, not really sure. Just because it’s not that interesting. It went as well as could be expected (although my roast tatties could have done with a bigger tray and being a little crispier). Mrs D. appealed to the geek in me with a cordless mouse which is fine and useful (but at the end of the day is still for her because she can’t stand the amount of wires that seem to be evolving behind the desk). I can recommend them though (Roll up roll up, getchore Logitech Cordless Optical mouse ‘ere!l) so at least it’s going to get used quite a lot. Could do with a cordless keyboard to go with it though (and a flat screen, and a faster processor, and a new graphics card….!)

Unfortunately the anticlimax has set in (along with gout from drinking too much port!) I’m looking forward to the new year now if only becayse I intend to make full use of it to get a whole load of things done. Yes, you heard it here first, I intend to make resolutions for once and try to keep to them.

Well, everyone’s got to have a hobby I suppose!

Ha ha ha!

Encountered in the woods behind the house on a long walk to work off much festive over indulgence.

Have mini carrots
Have turkey
Have 10 9 bottles of wine
Have 24 large bottles of Stella (bargain at less than a tenner from Tesco!)
Have new ashtray (previously a CD by Cliffy baby!)
Have industrial amounts of Resolve

Think that’s just about everything

Happy Christmas!

UPDATE: I’ve amended this to remove most of what could be considered spoiler material but you may still want to be careful if you haven’t read the book and don’t know what happens. I apologise in advance (I hate it when I inadvertantly come across spoilers) but consider this fair warning! And apologies to Fluff who didn’t get any such notice at all!

The main problem I have with the book Return of the King is that all the action ends about half way through and the last half of the book (before the 200 pages or so of appendices) is all about the aftermath of the War of the Ring. In that sense the cinematic version seems to have done the book justice, but more on that later.

What�s my first feeling about this movie? To be honest, it�s one of anti-climax. Peter Jackson�s films highlight the shortcomings of the book itself and that is simply that some of it is astoundingly cheesy. How the actors managed to deliver some of the dialogue and keep a straight face is quite beyond me. Except that the reason it�s all so corny is because of everything that has come between the book and the film, all those awful films which tried to emulate Lord of the Rings fell into the pit of becoming a self-parody, with one or two exceptions.

But what does save Lord of the Rings is, well, everything about it. The dialogue may at times be cheesier than the UN Gorgonzola mountain, but the language is so rich and poetic and the actors are so enthused that you can�t help but be captivatd by it all. And there is a good spattering of humour thrown into the mix too which breaks up all the earnest dramatic scenes of bravery and valour.

Set that against the epic spectacle that has been missing from cinemas for so long and you start to get an idea of why Return of the King is a great film. Forget what you�ve seen in recent epics like Gladiator and Braveheart, this film harks back to the days of Spartacus and Lawrence of Arabia for sheer scale and grandiose. The effects are so good that I could have believed that there were 20,000 extras lined up on the plains outside of a full size set of Minas Tirith. I was blown away by the aerial camerawork swooping in low over the massed armies of orcs and men as they struggled on the battlefields and it was an awesome sight to behold.

But the grandeur of the battle scenes were elegantly juxtaposed next to the quieter, more intimate scenes, some heart warming, some heart rending, such as the poignant scene when Pippin sings to Denethor in the great hall. And this in turn was set against the scenes filled with suspense where Jackson gave away his roots in horror film directing. Arachnophobe or not, the scenes with Shelob were very terrifying and I wouldn�t be lying to say that everyone in the audience was on the edge of their seats. Return of the King has it all, drama, humour, horror, action… the list goes on.

The reviews I�ve read so far all have reservations about the fact that there are several endings to the film and it is definitely a weak point of the film although as I mentioned earlier, I feel this is more to do with the original source material. The ending is already vastly different from the book and totally does away with some key scenes in the book (and it should be added that the decision to take these scenes out is a wise move, cinematically) but I don�t feel that any of the scenes we do see are extraneous. Perhaps if they�d have been edited slightly more differently then it wouldn�t have been so obvious and I will await the Extended Edition on DVD with anticipation to see if they add any more to it.

In fact, I�ll be awaiting the extended version eagerly anyway as, despite the three and a half hour running time, I wanted to see more, a lot more. I could have easily sat there for another hour or so to see more of the battles, more of Sam and Frodo�s journey through Mordor, more of the aftermath. Because at the end of the day, as much as I instinctively feel that it was an anti-climax, I felt the same way about the first two films the first time I saw them and I think it�s because one viewing is not enough to take in the rich tapestry of what has been played out before me on the screen.

I do know that I don�t have enough space to tell you how wonderful it all was, how the scenery and the effects and the costumes and the production design and the performances and the direction and everything (did I mention the scenery? There should be a new Oscar for best use of a location!) was amazing. Stunning. Fantastic. And I�m really looking forward to seeing it again.

The shortlist for Oscar Nominations are in. The first shocker is that neither Matrix sequel, Reloaded or Revolutions is has made the shortlist of the category of Visual Effects. The current list consists of seven films which will be reduced to three when the final nominations are announced on 27th January. The seven that have been chosen are Return of the King, The Hulk, Pirates of the Caribbean, Master and Commander, Peter Pan, X Men 2 and Terminator 3.

Considering that Warner Bros had a budget of $100 million dollars for the effects, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you! Well, I am anyway! I mean, even Attack of the Clones got nominated last year!

Having refrained from blogging about a certain blog popularity contest run by a certain newspaper mainly on account of not giving a shit (am I gutted that I didn’t win? Yes - total sour grapes. It may have helped if I’d entered which I might actually do next year.*), I will say that I did part with some hard earned cash for the first single I’ve bought in a Zeus’ shield**. My nomination for number one - Gary Jules’ cover of Mad World

And surprise, surprise, it actually made it to number one (obviously my purchase made all the difference).

I quoted from the song the other day quite coincedentally as I didn’t realise it had been released (honest - I have no idea what’s in the charts because most of it’s shite and just about everything released these days makes my teeth ache) but had just been watching Donnie Darko (a fantastic film availble on DVD and Video***). So it’s encouraging to see that the single buying public is, for once, choosing a decent song rather than another piece of crap by Atomic Spice Babes or the latest champion, or indeed loser, from the BBC/ITV Karaoke-u-like competition. (And I have to confess that I can’t stand The Darkness either, spoof or not. They are not the new Queen, despite a penchant for wearing similar 70’s glam leotards to the ones Freddie M. wore way back when!)

What did surprise me is that they released the single now rather than back in 2001 when the film was released (although it didn’t get to this country until late last year) Turns out that Gary Jules had no idea it was being released either - the record company just made a decision to do so without consulting him. Worked out okay for all involved though! And personally I think it’s better than the original.

*Ha ha ha! As if! Not unless I was being paid!
**Aegis. I apologise for that extremely weak and feeble pun!
***And I apologise for the cynical captalist marketing ploy too. See below!

If you happen to fancy yourself as a bit of a Red Dwarf fan, they’re offering a chance for some seriously delusional geeks dedicated fans to do a commentary on an episode from series V and VI next year. If you’re one of those people, your presence is required here.

If you’re not - move along, move along, nothing to see!

Eliza at Fembat mentioned the other day that she was doing a course in screenwriting in the summer so I told her that I would give her a list of books that I recommend as a kick start in that direction. It made me think a lot about what I’ve done with my writing over the last year and the answer is a very loud and clear “Fuck all!”

I have written a two minute short film that I want to make in the next couple of months. It’s based on Goldilocks but is more designed to be an attempt to direct something myself, on mini-DV and edit it at home and then upload it to the net. Then I’ll do another - maybe something I’ve written, maybe something someone else has written.

The various reasons behind why I’ve done fuck all in this direction (and considering my advancing years, must start to make moves in this direction now or I’m doomed to a life of corporate trudgery and a miasma of regret and failure) are mostly to do with lack of self-belief, fear of failure and the usual excuse of having to work full time to keep a roof over my head and bread on the table. And then there’s the finding the money for it all which is a little harder now that Mrs D. is a lady of leisure (and that anything she does earn in a freelance capacity is being pumped into the house and the “future”)

It then occured to me that by signing up to the cynically capitalist regime that is Amazon Associates, I might be able to start bringing in funds to my company which I can then use to make films. Exploitative perhaps, but my catholic upbringing will also instill me with such guilt about not then doing anything about this, especially when others are wanting to see results, that I’ll have to get it done.

So that’s what’s going to happen. My other website is up but there’s no content as yet. There may well be another blog in the new year that will be more “specialist” in nature about what’s happening. There will be a “shop” and links to useful resources and more besides.

As concerns the Amazon affiliation stuff, I promise that any money made from that will be used solely in the pursuit of making films.

Back to Eliza - here are some books about screenwriting I recommend:

• Screenplay
  Very handy book which introduces the essential elements of writing a screenplay.
• Which Lie Did I Tell?
  Funny and insightful book about the industry which is half “How to” and half biography of the Oscar winning writer of Misery, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
  and The Princess Bride
• Write And Sell The Hot Screenplay
  Excellent book written by the founder of London based Raindance
• The Art of Dramatic Writing
  Heavy going but very interesting book by Lajos Egri about the creatice interpretation of human motives
• Story Structure
  I will confess to not having read this but a lot of writers I know swear by it. It’s on my christmas list!

Hopefully this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!