Visit your local recruiter now.

Hands up - I was wrong. “With Teeth” has grown on me a lot - so much so that I’ve listened to it solidly since I got back from holiday as I missed having it there. The track I keep listening to repeatedly has to be “Only”. I don’t know what it is about it that I like but it appeals. Even “The Hand that Feeds” has grown on me a lot which just goes to show that when you listen to a new song for the first time, you really need to listen to it through two headphones and not through one.

It’s still not the best album but I understand it. Whereas “Pretty Hate Machine” and “Downward Spiral” were outspoken “angry young man” albums, NIN’s latest is very much a disillusioned late thirty-something album. “Man on the verge of a mid-life crisis” if you like. The lyrics generally seem to convey a sense of dissatisfaction and restlessness and a feeling of being trapped in a life that was never intended. Very much like being stuck behind a desk doing a tedious job (something I can definitely relate to).

My original impression of this album was that it wasn’t as aggressive or as dark as previous releases and that there wasn’t as much heart in it. I was wrong. There is, but it suits a time and a place and a way of thinking. This is no longer teenage angst rock and is much more sublime interpretation of mid-life mediocrity and tedium. In some ways it’s darker than anything before because of the implications rife in tracks such as “Every Day Is Exactly The Same”, “The Line Begins To Blur” and “You Know What You Are” that as much as you might fight, things are never going to change and you’d do just as well to sit down, shut up and take it on the chin up the arse like everyone else.

So yes, I like the new Nine Inch Nails album. A lot. And I’m really looking forward to seeing them live.

What happens when you take the twisted vision of Spike Jonze and give it a lethal exposure to the warped and disturbed mind of Jim “Foetus” Thirlwell? Quite simply, this, the video to “Blessed Evening”, a track from the forthcoming new Foetus album “Love”.

The video is directed by Karen O of the “YeahYeahYeahs” (no, I haven’t heard of them either) who provided the vocals to this Adidas video which directed by Jonze.

For some reason, the only phrase that came to mind was “fucked up”.

I tell you, there’s nothing like a good case of food poisoning to help with weight loss! Hoo-ahh!

Mind you, I hadn’t realised quite what a putrid shade of yellow our downstairs toilet was. Must get around to redecorating sometime.

I got my photos developed today. They’re not overly great because I was reduced to using the most basic of automatic 35mm point and click cameras in a case. Although I used 400ASA films, I had no control over the speed, aperture or flash so a lot of them suffer from backscatter (when the flash reflects off particles in the water) which is annoying. Next time I will make sure that a) my digital camera is working b) I have a casing for it and c) I have a wide angle or fisheye lens for the wreck shots. Still, here are a selection of piccies for you to muse on.

There’s a moment at the end of a holiday where you almost wish that you would be led into a room where Laurence Fishburne would you offer you a choice between a red pill and a blue pill. Take the red pill, you return to the real world, complete with the tedious but necessary tasks, the mundanity of the daily commute and the oppression of an desk bound job in an artificially lit office overlooking the grey, rain drenched, smog ridden cityscape. But choose the blue pill and your holiday will never end.

Unfortunately for me, I’m obivously not the chosen one and my plane touched down at Gatwick airport this morning at about 2:15 am. after a five hour flight back from Sharm El Sheik. (I didn’t get home until nearly 7:45 so it took me about as long again to get to my home!)

I’m missing it already!

Three words to sum up my holiday? I. Love. Diving.

I last went to Sharm 5 years ago (to the day as it turns out) and even in that short space of time, it’s changed far beyond how I remember it. Whereas it used to be dominated by divers, we now seem to be in the minority. Sharm, or rather, Na’ama Bay is now an overly commercialized, tacky, resort focussed place that attracts tourists like flies to shit. It has about as much character and charm as a piece of fetid toe jam. So it’s a good thing that I spent my days in the company of some wonderful people on a boat, cruising up and down the Red Sea, doing 3 dives a day and enjoying every minute of it.

I was staying at the Oonas Dive Club which, to be fair, isn’t a fantastic place but the staff are friendly, there’s a ready supply of Sakara beer in the bar which also serves a mean pizza. Mind you, I spent approximately 6 out of every 24 hours in my room and that was primarily to sleep so it fulfilled every need I had.

The diving was superb. Did I mention that already? It can only get better too as it was still a little too cold for most of the interesting life (read sharks, rays and other pelagics) to be spotted and in fact we didn’t see many large schools of things like barracuda, tuna or even batfish until the last day, but despite that (and despite the cold - turns out I needed more than just a 3mm wetsuit!) it was great. We did the local sites (Ras Katy, Temple, Ras Za’atar) and Ras Mohammed a couple of times (Shark Reef and Yolande reef - and I finally got to see all of the famous Yolande toilets!), four of the Tiran reefs (Gordon, Thomas, Woodhouse and Jackson) as well as the wreck of the Dunraven (a steel steamer that sank on 24th April, 1876) and the still marvellous SS Thistlegorm (a WW2 British supply freighter, sunk by German bombs on 6th October 1941 with 9 fatalities).

Above all else, what made this holiday was the great group that I dived with. Thanks guys.

I’m getting more excited about the idea of going on holiday tomorrow. A week in Sharm El Sheik, six days diving, sun, sea and sand*.

So on the train the other day, the missus said to me “What happens if the boat leaves you behind like in that film?” The film in question was the low budget, DV filmed, based on a true story, thriller “Open Water” about a couple who go diving while on holiday and get left behind by the boat and are harassed by hungry, man eating sharks**, jellyfish and used condoms***. The film is based on the true story of Tom and Eileen Lonergan who disappeared from a dive boat while diving the Great Barrier Reef in January 1998. At least the likelihood of more dangerous sharks increases in that part of the world.

The thing is, though, that this isn’t so far fetched. Every year there’s a story coming out of Sharm about a diver and their buddy being left behind by their dive boat. In fact, the lead letter in this month’s Diver magazine is from someone who (having just seen “Open Water”) went diving in Sharm and, on surfacing, found to their horror that their boat had lost them. (Not much of a story as it was just a little way away and came back to pick them up).

The truth of it is that this would never happen on a well organized diveboat. For a start, you have a dive plan (”Plan your dive, dive your plan!”). Secondly, the dive leader and any divemasters should have a good idea about who’s on the boat - after all, they should have spoken to them all to ascertain their level of skill and ability****. And lastly, other divers should try to be aware of who’s on the boat with them. After all, even the most experienced and skilled divers can get into trouble underwater and it helps to know who’s around.

Of course, you can always make sure that you’re well prepared for such an eventuality. Whistles, rattles, strobes, flags, SMBs (Surface Marker Buoy), remote GPS locators - enough stuff to sink you really. In UK waters, most of this equipment is always a necessity but the conditions that you face when diving in the UK are vastly different to the warm, clear waters of the Red Sea. I’m deliberating as to whether or not to take my SMB to Egypt but I might take a small flag to keep in my stab jacket pocket. (And a goody bag to pick up litter left by any Italian***** divers!) Not that I think anything is going to happen.

But, as I assured my wife, if the worst comes to the worst and I finish a dive to find the boat has left without me then I’ll just have to swim the fifty yards to shore.

*Lots of sand. It’s called the Sinai desert
**Actually, they were reef sharks which are about as likely to eat a man as Linda McCartney ever was. Admittedly, I wouldn’t want one to bite me, which can happen if you piss it off or get in the middle of a group of hungry, feeding sharks. But they won’t attack you.
*** Well, would have been a real danger if they’d have been diving out of Southend.
****In my experience, most divemasters are more interested in talking to the buxom blondes in the skimpy bikini.
***** It’s not that I’ve got it in for Italians but I have yet to encounter an Italian diver who will persuade me that they are anything other than arrogant, rude, inconsiderate and dangerous. They’re fine on the surface (mostly) but they can stay away from me while underwater. Them and the Japanese.

Now I’m not superstitious but today has all the hallmarks of a very inauspicious day. It started with the bus being a fraction late and that led to me missing the train. After finally getting into work, I was faced with having to deal with people who are, quite frankly, too stupid to be allowed anywhere near a computer. The floor people who came to sort out our new floor turned up with the wrong stuff. And to top it all off, my camera has stopped working, the day before I go on holiday.

So it came as no surprise that today was that day of the month.

Following a weekend of making tiramisu and barbecues (in which I was very restrained) I was surprised - nay - astounded to find that I’d lost four pounds in the last week and am now at the svelte weight of 14 stone and 0.5 pounds. This means that I’m very close to my target of officially being Not A Chuffer (i.e. getting my BMI* to an acceptable level).

Before anyone starts going on about “Four pounds in a week? That’s unhealthy and potentially dangerous!”, I’d refer you to the fact that this is definitely an exception to the norm rather than the rule. It was also helped by running 10km on Monday, having a very light dinner and probably being more than a little dehydrated when I weighed myself on Tuesday morning.** Me? Rig the readings? What are you trying to say?

I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that there will be a brief hiatus in my ongoing (tediously dull) adventure with my weight while I am away next week. That is, unless I manage to sort out posting by email. And find a place to email from.***

* Yes, yes, BMI isn’t wonderful, I know. But it’s a good guide and an initial target to go for. After that, I get a lot more serious!
** The benefits of, er, evacuation also, um, weigh in.
*** Wonder if work will give me a CrBlackberry for the week?

I only make two deserts. The common feature of both is that they are highly alcoholic. Tiramisu is a definite party favourite and my victims friends are always asking me to make them one. I could give you some guff about how it’s Italian and translates as “pick me up” but you don’t need to know that, you just need to know what goes in it!

Ingredients
1 Bottle Kahlua
1 Bottle Dark Rum
(Optional bottle Brandy)
200ml Strong (and I mean STRONG) black coffee. Kenco Instant is good for this if you can’t be bothered to make some filter coffee.
500g Marscarpone Cheese
75g Caster sugar
3 Medium Eggs
1 packet Boudoir biscuits (sponge fingers to you)
Cocoa/Hot Chocolate powder

Serves up to 6/8 people or 4 extremely greedy ones.

Right, got all that? Good! Let’s crack on.

1. First off, the coffee. Make sure you’ve made the coffee strong and have let it cool down. Add a couple of splashes of rum (with kahlua and brandy as optional extras. Whiskey works too) Make sure you add a splash extra because you won’t have added enough.

2. Next, seperate the eggs. Try not to get too much eggshell into the egg white.

3. Use a whisk to beat the egg yolks and caster sugar together until it’s a pale, thick and gloopy mixture. It should be quite smooth in consistency. Slowly add all the marscapone and mix it together until smooth. When it’s very smooth and pale, add some kahlua. A couple of splashes maybe alright but you can always add a teaspoon or two more. Don’t add too much because it’ll get too runny. If you want to add more, best you add it directly to your throat

4. This is an optional step but does tend to make the mixture a little lighter. Whisk up the egg whites until they are nice and fluffy and then fold the egg whites into the marscapone mix.

5. Get a large glass cooking dish (rectangular ones are far better and easier for this than round ones) that’s about 1.5 - 2 inches deep. Place the boudoir biscuits around the bottom of the dish until it’s completely covered and then build up around the sides.

6. If you don’t think you’ve got enough alcohol in the mixture, drizzle a little of the rum and/or brandy over the biscuits. Otherwise, you can go to the next step.

7. Pour the coffee mixture over the boudoir biscuits until they are soggy. Don’t drown them!

8. Spoon in the marscapone mix over the boudoir biscuits until either the dish is full or you run out of mix. You can spend your time putting poncey patterns in the top or you can just flatten it out and then sprinkle some of the cocoa powder over the top.

9. Cover with cling film and put into the fridge. Leave for at least an hour so that it firms up and chills.

And that’s all there is to it.

(Responsible note: This recipe contains raw eggs so don’t eat it if you are or think you are pregnant.)