My hands are a state. For those of you who were around last year, you’ll have seen some of the more extreme things I’ve done to my hands. I could never become a concert pianist (not least because I can’t play the piano) and after last year, I doubt I’ll ever be able to play the guitar again (however badly - although bloody Django “clock my missing fingers” Reinhardt, clever arsed bastard that he was, could play guitar with only two digits so it ruins it as an excuse for the rest of us).

For those of you new to this, I stress that my damaged hands are not deliberate. I’m just, shall we say, a little careless.

This weekend I learnt another valuable lesson:

Always swap hands when you get to 99!