So I’m watching tonight’s installment of The Apprentice and more so than any other episode I’m extremely fucking irritated and frustrated at the total incompetence and fucking fuckwittery of the contestants. Except for Lucinda who is right about everything for a change. Why? Because it’s all about film-making and advertising. Now I’m no advertising expert, that’s for sure. Marketing a tissue box? I have no idea! Seriously, no idea whatsoever. It’s a tricky product to market. However, I do reckon I could come up with a memorable advert that would work amuse and sell (although, like all good adverts, you’re unlikely to remember the product!

(They’ve just got onto the presentation and the big unshaven bloke is really, really fucking it all up!)

So, the pitch!

We’re in a bathroom looking at the back of a young man standing in front of a toilet, his right arm vigourously pumping in front of him. He’s panting… “Come on! Come on!” - he reaches out to grab…

CLOSE ON: a box of tissues. Voiceover: “Tissues (insert brand identity here) - there whenever you need them…” The man’s hand grabs a tissue from the box.

WIDE ON: man doing something with tissue in front of him. “Oh yes,” he says, “perfect!” He turns and holds up a diamond ring that sparkles brightly.

CUT TO: man on one knee in front of a girl who’s holding out her hand, staring at the diamond ring on her finger, hand to her mouth, tears welling up. The man hands her the tissue box.

CLOSE ON: the box, clearly identifying brand etc. etc. Voiceover: “… especially for the important moments in your life”.

Come on, tell me that wouldn’t have won!

So anyway, they played it safe and the team with the godawful, unscripted advert and poorly directed actors won (which was predictable - if you haven’t noticed, the team that seems like they’ve fucked everything up and are doing really badly will win.) Now Rafe “must get my cravat out!” and Mike “I’m a twat despite having a cool name” are facing the onslaught of Sir Alan. Hoo-aah!

(The idea above is now copyrighted but you may offer me substantial amounts of cash if you’re a tissue manufacturer and want to use it!)