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I cried when I learnt my insides were being eaten away.
“Is it cancer?” I asked
“No,” they said.
“Necrotizing fasciitis?” I asked.
“No,” they said.
“How long have I got?”
They replied “You have no liver, kidneys or lungs. Technically you’re already dead.”
“Oh!” I said.

My heart went on beating for another two weeks until I shat it out with a very hot lamb biryani (not an experience I recommend if you have no intestines). After that I had a velvet lined cabinet installed where my guts used to be. It’s useful but embarassing when shop assistants faint while I reach for my wallet.

Okay, it could be better but it’s 600 characters long and took 15 minutes to write. Well, 2 minutes and 13 to work out the Waterstones website.